Marauder Magazine
by Divine Sanity
Summary: Marauder Magazine, giving snippets of everyday life from the time of the Marauders through a little magazine, A whole lot of laughs
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, just the ideas, so don't sue me!_

            Remus Lupin cast his tired eyes around the attic and sighed, it would take forever to clean this mess up. However, this would be the only time he would have a chance, because Dumbledore had said this would be Lupin's first and last break for a very long time.

            He bent over and opened a box, inside were stacks and stacks of magazines; he picked up the first one, and blew the dust off. Oh! He remembered these! He and his friends had put out a school magazine in their 6th year, he recalled how much they had laughed over the outrageous suggestions given to them by their fellow students. He sank into a chair and began to read.

Marauder Magazine

_            Hello all and welcome to the first issue of the Marauder Magazine! Enjoy!_

_Sirius Section_

            This is Sirius Black with all the latest news and views from Hogwarts. Today we deal with the subject looked upon happily by most Gryffindors. _Pranking the Slytherins!_ (For ideas see Pranks From The Big Book of Marauding History section) Let's see what amusing things we will get to witness today. Mr. Snivellus Snape, what ridicule are you being forced to bear today? 

_"I know you did this!_

_And when this wears off of me_

_You'll wish you were dead;"_

Ah, Mr. Snape how ever so poetic! In short, for all Gryffindors, the Slytherins cannot speak in anything but Haiku poetry. For those who don't know what Haiku is, it's a form of poetry in verses composed of three lines, the first line with 5 syllables, the second line with 7 syllables, and the last line with 5 syllables. I'm sure this latest Gryffindor escapade will keep us amused for a while.  Once again, this is Sirius Black, with all the latest News and Views from Hogwarts. If we don't tell it to you, it hasn't happened.

_Do you want to express your views, or tell your news? Talk to me, Sirius Black. If you go along with my Pink Pony Escapade, then your views may just get published in the Marauder Magazine. For Pink Pony Escapade, see Request Remus section._

_Request Remus_

Q. Dear Remus,

I'm stuck on the Potions essay, could you help me?

-Befuddled

A. Dear Befuddled,

Do I look like a textbook of any sort to you? (If you are a normal person, you will answer no to this question.) Therefore, I will not give you answers, no matter how easy the potions essay is.

    -Remus

Q. Dear Remus,

            I have recently taken up a redecorating hobby, and would like to refurbish the       common room, however I will need assistance if I am to take up this task, but no one seems willing to help. Especially when I mention Pink Pony Wallpaper. What should I do?

-Perplexed Padfoot

A. SIRIUS! I've told you once, and I'll tell you again we all not, I repeat NOT! Wallpapering the common room.

Q. Dear Remus,

            I'm starting to feel emotions for a certain greasy-haired, sexy slytherin, what should I tell him?

     -In Love

A. Dear "In Love",

           You are gross and disgusting, I am appalled at your behavior. Visit Madame Pomfrey.

            -Remus

_Need Help? Request Remus, he has all the practical answers and ideas for you, slip questions under the door to the Room of Requirement._

_Swings and Flings with Fiona Garbles_

            This is Garbles coming to you from the (so-far pink-pony free) Gryffindor Common Room, and by the looks of it, this year we have plenty of new couples. Sirius has already charmed another unsuspecting girl, and has been seen snogging her at odd hours of the night. Sources tell us she is from Ravenclaw, but her identity is still unknown. We will notify all you clamoring female Sirius fans, (no doubt you are female, if you are male, you are totally gross)

            Frank Longbottom seems to be having wonderful luck in his love life. His crush since first year, Alice Smethwyk has finally come down from the heavens and they are now going steady into their third week of dating. Lets look at the other lover boy with a crush since first year, James Potter. No less than seven witnesses claim they observed Lily Potter, dump a load of owl droppings on James' head this morning. But get this, the droppings were that of James' own owl! That must have hurt James! Bad luck, you'll get her next time, won't he Miss Evans? "Not on your life or his Black!" quotes miss Lily.  

            We're only looking at couples within Hogwarts, what about those pairs that have left school? I'm obviously talking about our celebrated ex- Head Boy and Girl, Molly and Arthur Weasly. They graduated last year, and are expecting their first child. It's a boy, but the name is still undecided, they are having trouble choosing between Bill and Hezekiah. Congratulations Weaslys! 

_            Know of any new swings or flings? Slip entries under the door of the Room of Requirement and we'll get back to you!_

_For Fun Page_

Fact of the Day, By: Goldenheart

The average life expectancy of a toilet is 50 years.

_Couple of the Week, By: Smartarse_

            This week's couple is Remus Lupin and Faran Carys. Both are blue-eyed, both have sandy hair; both are very sweet, both are shy. They are made for each other. 

_            Have any suggestions as to the next couple of the week? Slip entries under the door to the Room of Requirement._

_Daily Forecast, By: Astromagician_

Skies are clear with the exception of an occasional passing fluffy cloud.

Comment from Sirius FLUFFY! * Twitch * * sucks thumb * * rocks back and forth *

_Prank #176 from The Big Book of Marauder's Pranks_

            Cast an idol charm, the hated person will think you are his or her idol and kiss up to your every fancy. None other than the renowned Marauders have put this charm into use many times successfully. This charm is very effective, but wears off after 24 hours, and isn't as effective when cast a second time. If interested, cough up 7 sickles to the Marauders and they will teach you how to work the magic.

_If you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas slip them under the door of the Room of Requirement. This has been our first issue of the Marauder Magazine, these are Marauders and friends, signing out for now._

            Lupin smiled, he tossed the magazine back in the box, and shut it. He picked it up and carried it downstairs to where Harry was flipping through his photo album gloomily, no doubt thinking about Sirius. "Hey Harry! I've brought you something, you'll probably find amusing,"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: My writer's block has floated away no thanks to my readers! ::glares at 

**readers menacingly:: Actually, most of my inspiration comes from my hilarious **

**classmates, who never fail to amuse me, thanks to y'all! You never know how**

** amusing an average high school  can be until your friends and foes make complete **

**fools of themselves in P.E. But back to the point, I'll forgive you readers on**

**one condition, if you review my magazine. And if you were one of the 8 angels who **

**reviewed the first edition your personal thankyous are below.**

**Dreamer16**- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You were my first reviewer, so you made me really happy! I'll get to your fics sometime this week, because I most definitely read and review my readers' stories. Thanks again!!!!!

**Person within the beast**- Yes I know! I am hilarious aren't I? Just kidding! HA! No actually, most of these articles come from incidents that happen at my boring little California High School, so I actually own very little of it. I'll be reading your story some time this week, so get ready for a long and beautiful review.

**Stargirlr**- Thanks so much for the review, and yes I am from India, but I live in the U.S. And here's the next issue you were asking for. I love your story, the You Complete ME one.

**Snuffles2984**- Request Remus is personally my favorite section to write as well, so I guess we have something in common, the only problem is that I'm running out of ideas and fast, so you know if you or your friends have any ideas, ::winks:: ::hints very vigorously::

**ILOVEPADFOOTANDPRONGS**- I review all the stories I like, and yours was especially good. Thanks so much for reviewing my story, you have no idea how much it means to me. Unless you do know….hmmmm…..if you do know that's very strange. Never mind me, thanks a lot!

**Midnight3**- Thanks so much for reviewing my story. I really enjoyed writing this so, hearing that you enjoyed it almost brings tears to my eyes.  And the Sirius and the wallpaper idea actually came from my lunatic boyfriend. We are so strange that we are made for each other. Don't ask. Anyway, Thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoy this issue.

**Sullen Shadowhawk**- Oh are your friends really starting a magazine? Could you possibly tell me the account, 'cause magazines are my favorite type of fics to read, and I haven't seen any magazines around for a very long time, thanks!

**ANDREAandMICHELLE**- Thanks so much, I've read your fics and they are awesome! And actually the only reason I'm continuing this is because of your review, it touched me. ::wipes tear from eyes:: 

**Whew! ::wipes sweat from brow:: I only had eight of these reply thingies to do and it took forever! Imagine those people who get like hundreds of reviews! Now, I just have to finish typing the rest of the magazine! That won't take long, it's all written in my "handy dandy notebook!" You know what's ironic? It actually has Blue from the popular American sitcom, "_Blue's Clues" _on the cover.Sorry, I'm blabbering.**

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Sirius Black or Remus Lupin, I could even settle for James Potter, sadly, they all belong to J.K. Rowling, as does Oliver Wood. This chapter is dedicated to all those fine men in life that one could never get unless they were a famous international actress that was drop-dead gorgeous and wore skimpy clothing. I however am nothing of the sort, therefore my wishes are confined to my dreams. OH JOHNNY DEPP! LET ME TAKE THE TIME TO PROFESS MY UNDYING LOVE TO YOU! Sorry, you don't have to read this anymore. I fully understand if all you normal people are scared of me, it's perfectly natural. Now, we can proceed to the magazine:

            Harry lay staring at the ceiling, thinking back to all the father-son moments he had shared with his godfather, but now Sirius was gone. Harry sighed, he definitely needed something to take his mind off this for an hour or two, and he was almost wasting away. He got up and went over to his desk, rubbing the crick out of his neck, when some shiny paper caught his eye, it was the stack of magazines Remus had given him, well, it was better than nothing. He picked up the top issue and flipped it open to the first page and started to read.

Marauder Magazine Sirius Section 

            Hey y'all, this is Sirius Black with all the latest news and views straight from Hogwarts, today we go deep into the unknown, a place so mysterious, that no kid has even thought of visiting it before. That may be partially due to the fact that most students don't know we have one, but let's just ignore that. Yes, I'm talking about the Staff Lounge; let's take a looksie shall we? As we push open the creaky, wooden door we see a furry, neon green couch, with matching maroon feather-covered pillows. In the corner is a fancy baby blue boudoir with beautiful engravings around the side in white, _It's a BOY!_ Inside this armoire, on the top shelf we have the latest hair-care products, a comb with only 3 teeth left, a shampoo bottle with fuzzy yellow mold growing atop it and a tartan hair net. Hanging on the rack is a set of midnight blue robes, some size 84, magenta leather pants, and a very sexy red satin, cocktail dress, I wonder who that belongs to! Let's move to the desk shall we? Atop it we see, tests and homework assignments that have yet to be corrected by the teachers, some of them bearing suspicious lavender stains, others bearing the letter "**T**" in large red letters underneath the table however, we see accumulated piles of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. To top it all off, the walls are apricot with orange crown-molding, if you ask me, this room could use some pink-pony wallpaper, and I will most probably appeal to the teachers with this suggestion, if they don't agree, I will personally put it up myself, other than that, there you have it, the staff room. 

_If you have any news or views, slip them under the door to the Room of Requirement_

Remus Request 

Dear Remus,

            What are Care Bears? We need to research them for our muggle studies class and I have no idea what they are. Can you help me?

-Mugglely Challenged

Dear Mugglely Challenged,

            Care Bears sound like teddy bears, teddy bears are fuzzy, Sirius knows about fuzzy things, ask him. Quit bothering me!

-Remus

Dear Remus,

            My boxers are missing, and at the moment I'm feeling quite awkward, as the dorm is quite drafty and it's feeling quite breezy down there. What do I do? Also, some girl keeps asking me about fuzzy care bears, HELP!

-Boxerless Padfoot

Dear Boxerless Padfoot,

            That was much more information than I needed to know, and the house elves have stolen your boxers because you keep lacing their personal water supply with butterbeer. Stop lacing their water, you get your boxers back, it's really quite simple. As for that girl, good for her, someone needs to start annoying you.

-Remus

Dear Remus,

            Last week it was the full moon and I saw the strangest sight when I looked out the window during my midnight full moon celebration. There was a stag, a big black dog, a rat, and what seemed to be a werewolf, they were marauding about the grounds as if they owned the place! Do you think I'm hallucinating?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

            First of all, you used very interesting word-choice on the 20th word in your second sentence, now where exactly did you get that word? Second, why are you celebrating the full moon? Third, why are you poking your nose into four poor animals' business. And fourth, there is nothing to worry about, you are definitely hallucinating, nothing a simple trip down to St. Mungo's won't cure.

-Remus 

Are you having problems? Remus has all the practical answers and solutions. Just slip your dilemmas under the door to the Room of Requirement, and remember, no question is too stupid!

Swings and Flings with Fiona Garbles 

            Hello all! This is Fiona Garbles with breaking news for all you females (and disturbed males) out there! Sirius Black, the heartthrob of Gryffindor, yes that gorgeous hunk is free. If you want to attempt to hook up, you'll find him in the Staff Lounge redecorating the walls. I think he said something about pink ponies. 

            Alice and Frank Longbottom are going into their 4th week of dating as of three weeks from now, and the Weaslys have finally decided on the name for their first child. After long deliberation, they have agreed on Bill, best wishes from Gryffindor to the Weaslys. Now, to the couple with the longest standing hate-hate relationship, Lily and James. This morning Lily hexed poor James right to the hospital wing when he allegedly slipped his arm around her waist, bad luck James, but we hope things will look up in the future.

_Fun Extras:_

A/N: Some of these extras are not just created for the fic, I've clearly marked the ones you guys can participate in with asterix, these are actual extras, which you can do if you want, especially the insta-poll, the contest, and the submit your ideas segment. I would really appreciate it. You guys can also give me questions for Request Remus as well, that would also be greatly cherished. Now I'll stop jabbering and continue.

_Prank #237 from The Big Book of Marauding Pranks:_

               This week's prank is one of our personal favorites. It causes the enemy (coughslytherinscough) to profess their feelings whenever they feel a really strong emotion, but get this, it's done in a shrill opera, which is sure to get on everyone's nerves. To ensure a successful prank, pay seven sickles to us, the Marauders and guarantee a sure-fire prank played on that special someone who just gets on your nerves.

*Insta-Poll*

Which one of the following would you most like to see Sirius obsessed with?

a) that hissing noise that occurs when you open a soda can

b) that glug, glug, glug noise that happens when you drain the tub

c) that screechy noise that a beginning violin player makes

d) Britney Spears

e) Bubbles

f) Other (specify exactly what when you review)

_Couple of the Week __By: Smartarse_

This week it's a tie between the long-standing relationship of Remus Lupin and Faran Carries, and the newly found love between Frank and Alice Longbottom, both relationships are perfectly balanced and there hasn't been a single fight between the two couples. I wonder how long these perfect affiliations will last this time. Do I hear 1 galleon?

*Contest of the Week*

               In this week's edition of the Marauder Magazine, I mentioned a hairnet in one of the sections. Who does this hairnet belong to and why do you say that? This isn't some random guessing question, it does belong to a specific teacher, and the same hairnet is mentioned in the Prisoner of Azkaban I think. The winner of the contest, the first person to get the correct answer, will get to answer the Request Remus questions and even make up their own questions, we'll coordinate through email. They will also get featured as Sirius' fling of the week. Have Fun!

_Daily Forecast __By: Astromagician_

               We predict a shower of meteors at precisely 7:00 P.M. it should be visible from the astronomy tower. And for now, skies are gray, the weather is bland, it's another boring day in the wizarding world.

***Complaints? Comments? Ideas? Suggestions?***

Review them to padfoot4eva123, or email her at happybubbleblossom123@yahoo.com Happy Reading!!!!!!

Harry smiled, this would definitely keep him occupied for a while, he tossed the magazine back onto the desk and switched off the light. He'd be able to sleep for the first time in weeks.

A/N: So how was it? I hope it didn't disappoint you guys, 'cause that's the last thing I want to do. But if I did, tell me, and include how I can make it better. I welcome flames, I'm a pyromaniac. HA! Never mind my stupid puns. Anyway, see that button down there? Click on it please? I beg of you!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey all! 24 reviews! You guys are all that keep me going! In fact I posted this chapter only because I didn't want to bore you all with the wait. The answer to the contest question was Mcgonagall, and I'm going to use the first person that reviewed with the right answer, since so many people got the correct answer. The winners is:

**HyperCaz**!!!! With special props to **Mayya**, who will also get featured! I really love you all, and you know the drill! The more reviews I get, the faster I post the next chapter. And if you reviewed the last chapter, your personal thanks' are below! And the winner of the Insta-poll is the ever famous, silicon enhanced, BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!!!

**HyperCaz**- Congrats on winning the contest! Thanks for reviewing! Oh and I love the "Oops I pranked him again" idea, it's awesome, and if I don't use it in the Marauder Magazine, I'll definitely use them in one of my other fics!

**Laura Evans**-Yes, your answer is right, but unfortunately, a couple people got it before you, so hopefully, you'll get it this time! And thanks so much for reviewing!

**Peace Out**-Yes, actually that was what I was thinking when I wrote this fic, I wanted to give Harry a little pick-me-up. Like I said before, you weren't one of the first three, so I hope you get it this time! And also like I said before, the contest is a little harder this time. So good luck!

**Mayya**- Hey! You get a whole box cookies for your review, you also get a guest appearance in the Marauder Magazine. It gave me so many suggestions and I just had to thank you. Hopefully you like your role. It And thanks for all the suggestions, as well as the Request Remus question, that was something I really needed, I've been running out of ideas. I'm also really glad that you noticed the spelling and grammar thing, that's something I'm really meticulous about. Your review was my favorite one to read, it was so long, and filled with suggestions and compliments. I'm most definitely reading your fics for that! So I hope you enjoy this section!

**Samara-Morgan-101**- I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you like this chapter!

**Squeak4ever**-I love your pen name! Thanks for the suggestion, and that is exactly what I used for this issue, hope you like it!

**YankeeTorp**- Hmmm…that's a very interesting pen name, where'd you get it? Sorry, now to the reply, I love the parsley idea! I'll most probably use it in future issues! I have it written down in my idea notebook, to use when I really need a good idea. So thanks a lot, and I hope you like this issue!

**Dark and Prone to Violence**- The bubble thing is actually what I used, but I didn't think of the "Finding Nemo" thing, thanks I like the whole "My Bubbles" idea. I hope you like this issue!

**ILOVEPADFOOTANDPRONGS**- I know! I love them too! Thanks for reviewing and I'll only update if you update. ::stamps foot stubbornly::

**Ali Cottrell- **Sorry you didn't win, but hopefully you get it this time!

**Luna Moonglade- **Thanks for the Request Remus ideas; I used them in my fic this time! And when I think of a good section to be done by James, I'll certainly update. I'll most definitely read and review your fics!

**The Manders**- I'm really glad to hear that it brightened your day. That's actually one of the reasons that I wrote this fic, to brighten peoples' day! Hope you enjoy this section!

**Stargirlr**- I'm really glad to hear that you like my fic, and thanks for reviewing!

**Snuffles2984**- Thanks for reviewing! I'm really glad that this cracks you up because I really wanted to crack people up so people would see my writing, then I'll move on to more serious fics. Anyway, I hope you like this one as much as the other chapters!

**Faith-Tse-** Thanks so much for the review! I really enjoyed reading it! Hope you like this chapter!

**Red Roses2- chan-** Thanks for the review, and thanks for the ideas, they'll most definitely be used sometime or later!!!!!

**Remmie**- That totally made my day, you know the feeling you get when someone praises you like…a lot! That's exactly what I felt! Hopefully you like this issue!

**Cathrin-** Thanks for the review! I love the Britney Spears thing! I'm totally going to use it sometime!!!!!

Whew! That took so long! I can't believe you guys actually like my writing! Not that I'm complaining though! ::faints:: My Language Arts teacher sure doesn't like my essays! Anyway, keep reviewing your suggestions, and remember, the more reviews I get, the faster I update! (Bribery, it works every time!) I'm so sorry, it took forever for me to update, but we were having finals, and I was studying till like six in the morning. Oh, and I'm going to skip right to the magazine, and not have the little story part at the beginning and end, 'cause that takes a long time to think up.

**Marauder Magazine**

_Sirius Section_

This week's issue will focus mainly on a subject that many people have been wondering about. CARE BEARS! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! What are care bears? I don't know! SO STOP ASKING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, hopefully that has been another enlightening issue of the Sirius Section. 

_Remus Request_

Q. I am deeply in love with a certain sandy-haired, blue-eyed guy. ::*wink*::. The problem is that he's really shy and I don't know how to approach him, what should I do

-In Love

A.    Well, I'm sure this guy whoever he is would greatly appreciate it if you didn't stalk him, and I'm also positive that this "guy" is already hooked up. ::*wink*:: Read the Swings and Flings!

Q. It has come to my concern that a man as good-looking as myself has a slight problem. That problem is my hair, it seems to be….a bit greasy. And I was wondering if there is any way to cure that.

-Snivelly

A. Well Snivelly, there's only one cure for this kind of ailment. First you must, strip, save for a fig leaf on a black satin ribbon, placed strategically around the waste. Then you must run through the Great Hall at dinnertime, and jump on the Hufflepuff table. Be sure to shake body excessively. The most important thing is to put your left knee into the mashed potatoes, and continue to shake your body excessively. Then you must run from the hall singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" a popular muggle song. If this cure is followed quite carefully, and completed successfully on every half-moon, then your grease problems are sure to cease.

Questions? Comments? Do you just want to complain? If you have any of these, write them down on a slip of parchment no larger or smaller than 4.3 cm. by 15.8 cm. and slip it under the door to the Room of Requirement, and Remus will get back to you.

_Swings and Flings with Fiona Garbles _

            This week, sadly ladies, Sirius is taken, and it's none other than Alyssa Jackson! The girl that Sirius has secretly been nursing a crush on since 1st year, yes that same Alyssa Jackson, is the one that Sirius is now dating. But watch out Alyssa, Maya Lindman (Slytherin) is on a rampage. And as we all know, she has sent every one of his last 307 girlfriends to the hospital wing, with severe ailments, that still haven't worn off. Talk about obsessed! If he doesn't ask her out soon, every girl in this school will have the pleasure of visiting Madame Pomfrey at least once!

**Insta-poll-**

How is the quality of this magazine?

a) ::*Drool*::

b) ……AWESOME!!!!!!

c) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The stupidity of it makes me laugh!!!!

d) Dude, if this is funny, then teletubbies are highly intellectual beings

e) It's ok…I guess

**Contest of the Week**

This week, the answer to the contest is not HP related, just a hint. Anyway, here's the question. In this issue I mentioned the song phrase R-E-S-P-E-C-T, what's the name of the song it's from and who's it by? 


End file.
